"My cat must think I’m so dumb considering how often I sing to him about the fact that he is a cat."
"What wine pairs well with Common Core math?"
"In England 'booster shot' is spelled 'borchestershire shot'"
"Playing board games with your kids and deliberately trying to lose so it ends quicker is a parenting art form"
"Never trust anyone who doesn’t think their dog is the best dog."
"married sext: my headache is going away"
"Excuse me while I overthink this and get back to you."
"i love when my cat purrs for no reason. she’s just happy to be here."
"Dining out with kids is a great way to practice talking in angry whispers"
"Wives only want one thing and it’s for you to open your eyes man because your keys are literally right there in front of your face."